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Sarah, 18, Singapore
(click the flower above for older entries)
Twitter: @sarahbananachan
Instagram: hisarahnademe
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Days are good
Tuesday, June 26, 2012 || 5:52 PM
Days have actually been pretty good! First day of school went much better than expected and I'm starting to find like my old love for my batch... like you know, the old love that I used to feel when I'm with them. Ever since we stepped up, I feel like we've bonded a lot and I really look forward to seeing them every day. The beginning of this year I was actually starting to feel quite distant but now everything's all better, really :') Thanks guys, you know I love you all, always have.
Feeling distant. Wanna go to lifegroup soon. Laughing a lot recently though, laughing is always good. Though sometimes I feel lonely, but I have someone to be lonely together with.
Typed a whole bunch of things here but I deleted them because you guys don't need to know that much about me, when I don't even know who "you guys" are.
And that's how we do it on the swamp
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 || 1:14 AM
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I love youtube. The fact that I underlined the word love probably says a lot about my love for youtube. It's like everything you'll ever need on the internet, on a website. Youtube is like a gold mine. I probably only ever discussed this with leanne, but I love youtube gurus. They are so fun to watch!!! Meet Bunny, one of my favourite youtubers ever and she brightens my day just by uploading videos!!! :)) I wanted to post a Jenna Marbles video but then you'd have to have a really crude sense of humour like I do....
I have a lot of thoughts
|| 1:06 AM
#1 I thought I'd write something before heading off to camp for three days. I quite enjoy writing on this space , really, although it's not at all personal and I think before I type. It just feels good to write, you know? Even though I'm writing all my posts in "note form" because proper sentences in proper paragraphs are hard when you're thinking of what to say all the time.
#2 Needed some cotton wool so I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I stared at it for a whole 5 seconds before I realised that there is no cotton wool in the fridge
#3 I feel really bad, all the time:( Bad as in guilty. I also feel embarrassed really easily...
Random thoughts
Saturday, June 16, 2012 || 6:06 PM
#1 I really miss sua and tammy and han and cheryl like... I haven't seen them in so long :(( Possibly since the last day of school except tammy who I saw last week. I have so much things to talk about, to tell them about
#2 I don't know how I'm gonna feel about next week. I really hope I have fun and not feel grouchy and stupid and that "needs-to-slap-self" feeling
#3 I honestly can't wait for school to start. I'll think I can focus more on my work when school starts and less on these..... distractions
#4 I love talking to people. I honestly do. I wish I could just spend like hours talking and talking and talking with sua/tammy/cheryl/han/anyone
#5 I am so confused. I wish people would stop trying to like be subtle and mislead me and stuff, I honestly misread things all the time and I get paranoid and..... Not good. :( Really can't you guys just tell me what you think to my face
#6 Is it possible to miss someone while they are not with you, but once they are with you, you just want to like hurl them off a cliff?
#7 I need new good books to read and new songs to listen to.
"there are worse things than being alone"
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 || 11:39 AM
You’re Alone All The Time | Thought Catalog
You’re alone all the time.
That’s the well-kept secret. When they talk about living independently for the first time, it’s not about doing your own laundry or waking yourself up in the morning or paying your own utilities. Independent is a fancy word for alone, and that’s why so many capable people struggle. People who thought that they were prepared, that they would flourish under this new system because they had been functioning at such a high level for such a long time. Nobody mentioned that the challenge isn’t functioning. The challenge is doing anything other than functioning. The challenge is to transcend being and start living again.
And maybe it sounds easy because all your basic needs are still being met, and many elements of your former life are still around in one form or another. Look, there’s a soccer game over there, here’s a band you can play in, here’s where you can drink coffee, here’s a camera you can use. It’s all the same, really. What do you mean there’s nothing to take pictures of? There’s buildings and trees and people. Just point and shoot.
So you arrive, after months of waiting and longing, arrive thinking that your new life will be your old life but better, knowing that specifics from your past won’t transfer but hoping that all the important things carry over. And maybe you get lucky. Maybe some do. But maybe nothing feels like home. And that brings us back to the thesis:
You’re alone all the time. At first it’s unbearable and agonizing and physically painful, the sense that you no matter what you do, you will do it in solitude. At first you die a little more every hour on the hour, you cringe whenever something reminds you of the past, which of course happens every moment. But slowly, you adjust. Soon, it’s only the mornings that hurt, when you wake up and realize you’re still alone, and the evenings when you’re tired and you spent all day winding yourself up and you don’t have any more energy to cope. And then, soon enough, the mornings and evenings are bearable too. You learn to use any human interaction as energy to get you through the day, or you learn to survive in isolation, maybe even embrace it. You become more and more comfortable spending hours or entire days without speaking to anyone. Sometimes, when you absolutely cannot take it anymore, you call your mother, or chat with someone who suddenly means more to you than they ever did before. But you function. You make it through. You have good days and bad days, like any other person. Sometimes you laugh at a joke, and then immediately marvel at the miracle of someone making you laugh, of someone else bringing you joy again. Every once in a while, someone might hug you, and it’s the best thing, even if you don’t know why.
So that’s the plateau. Where you’re fine. Where you smile through the good days and wade your way through the bad. And sometimes you feel great, and you chastise yourself for feeling over-dramatic earlier, and your confidence in your new life swells. And sometimes you break, and you consider flying or driving home right that second because you cannot handle another hour of the emptiness gnawing inside you. Gradually, your highs get a little bit higher, and your lows get less frequent, and you start describing life as “good” instead of “fine” and you generally mean it. You’re doing well. Sometimes you even feel alive.
But then your sister comes to visit, or your boyfriend, or some pal from high school. And you remember what it’s like to not just know people but understand them, to know their habits and their preferences, to recognize their shirts, to touch them without thinking about it. You remember how good it feels not being alone, and you try to soak up every moment and absorb enough energy to last the long winter. Often it’s awkward because you have nothing in common but memories and mutual affection, so you spend a lot of time staring at each other and wishing you could think of something more interesting to do, some way to better appreciate your visitors, to better make use of your time. You don’t want to waste this. But maybe you do.
And then they leave, and you break again, and your “good” drops to “fine” and then to “okay, I guess.” But soon enough you trick yourself into forgetting how it feels to see love in someone’s eyes, and you adjust back to solitude.
And that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’m assuming it gets better. I keep reading the same Bukowski poem, the one that goes:
There are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than
too late.
I try to believe him, but it’s hard when you’re alone all the time
Random thoughts at 2am
Monday, June 11, 2012 || 2:16 AM
#1. I really miss OBS.. I'll always think it was the toughest thing I survived. "It seems impossible until it's done." - So true and something that obs really taught me. I went through so much physical and mental suffering during OBS and I feel I really came out as a stronger person :') and I miss my watch
#2 I really shouldn't have slept for like 3 hours earlier. I can't sleep at all now. I hate not being able to sleep
#3 I can't wait to go to malaysia tomorrow. Every time I go there I feel like I'm leaving my life here for a more carefree life spent with my cousins and such.. I do a lot of thinking in malaysia, and when I come back I feel more certain about certain thoughts that have been bugging me. It's like my therapy. I don't know.
#4 I can't wait to get a car and be able to drive. On those days where it gets really bed, I just want to like get in my car and drive away from everything, drive aimlessly around for hours and clarifying my thoughts and such. Driving is such a peaceful activity, I think. Too many cars on the road in Singapore though
and big girls don't cry
Sunday, June 10, 2012 || 9:42 PM
I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do. And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses her blanket but it's time to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now.
Imunc 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012 || 12:16 PM
SOCHUM
GIRL BATHROOM BONDING SESSION HAHA ;)
i miss our early morning breakfast dates w yuting/ alina/ grace/ kimberly/ wendy/ syaf/ chenxi/ cherting :')
#1 Imunc was eventful and emotional (for me)
#2 The last day was nice.
#3 I met great friends :)
#4 I'd do all over again.
she walks summer / and talks like rain / reminds me that there's time to change
Because do you actually listen when I talk?
Thursday, June 7, 2012 || 10:55 PM
You know how I felt while I was there? Insignificant and frustrated and exasperated
All attempts to be social have failed. In conclusion I am just not cut out for these things, no matter how much I like them (or used to, in my previous experiences).
and you know I like my chicken fried
Sunday, June 3, 2012 || 1:55 PM
Recently so happy about everything lately :) Love hanging out with my pals, talking, shopping, doing cip, I love Jace Herondale, I love reading, studying, tuition, life is calm and peaceful :) I think it's cause of the song below. Every time I listen to it I feel filled with such joy!! Song only starts from 1:11
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