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Playlist #2
Thursday, January 30, 2014 || 7:26 PM
Good old pop punk (my favourite tunes to listen to ...and brush my teeth to*): Melrose Diner - The Wonder Years / Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low** / Hit Or Miss - New Found Glory / Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low / Dammit - blink-182 / Go - blink-182 / Bedroom Talk - The Starting Line***
Songs to fall asleep to: She Falls Asleep - McFly**** / I Swear This Time I Mean It - Mayday Parade / Feeling This (blink-182 cover) - Odi Acoustic / Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade / For Baltimore (Acoustic) - All Time Low
Others: Hey Beautiful - The Solids / Kaleidoscope Eyes - Panic! at the Disco / Miss Missing You - Fall Out Boy / No Worries - McFly (There's just something about McFly that makes the cheesiest songs cause my heart to flutter and my stomach to flip from pure romanticism. God, I'm so lame)
*I always listen to music while brushing my teeth. Weird habit.
**Great for when I need to feel extra empowered and need that extra bounce in my walk. Also great for pushing me to run that last kilometre at the gym. This song just inspires me to be better, somehow.
***I know it's sorta inappropriate. It's just funny to me... and sorta sweet.
****The best song to fall asleep to I have ever come across. Tom Fletcher, bless your talented songwriting skills.
(if you like music as much as I do)
Thoughts about my dreams
Wednesday, January 29, 2014 || 11:30 PM
Have you ever had dreams which felt so vivid and real they almost seemed... tangible? Like
I can still feel the warmth of a person's touch on my shoulder where they rested their hand in my dream when I awake. When I awake, I can still feel the curve of someone's arm where I leaned against it in my dream. My shoulder has a dent in reality from when someone jabbed me there in my dream. When I'm awake, all my senses are stimulated from the dream. My body tingles from touch and my vocal chords ache from speaking (in the dream). Just me or everyone?
Do you know there's this point in between the time you're fully dreaming and awake, and you kind of realise you're dreaming although you're still in your dream? Sometimes at that stage, I force my eyelids shut and try to force myself to get back in that dream zone - where everything feels so real and your dream life is the only life you have.
P.s I once had the same dream four times. I was so certain it was a premonition, it was a peek into my future, it was going to come true. Spoiler: It didn't. Maybe dreams are just dreams and they mean nothing at all.
Exciting, nerve wrecking news
|| 10:29 PM
Just 7 more months to the most drastic change my life has ever had to offer me so far.
Everything will be different.
Why can't I tell you about it? You are pretty much the most important person in my life, besides my family. Yet the thought of telling you about this makes me want to go full on hermit mode and never tell it to you until I absolutely have to. Perhaps now is not the time.
Food for thought
Monday, January 27, 2014 || 3:28 PM
1. You are obnoxious (at times).
2. You are arrogant.
3. You speak to me in a way that is both condescending and patronising. I don't like it.
4. You "sympathise" with people a lot. I hate sympathy and your pity is not needed anywhere near me.
5. You laugh too loud at things that aren't funny. At all.
6. You ask me questions when you already know the answer. Why do you persist on making me feel bad?
7. You, frankly speaking, are annoying.
8. You do steps 1-7 unconsciously. I guess... it's in your nature. It's who you are.
9. You consciously try to be very nice to me.
10. You tell me I am important (especially to you).
11. You shower me with gifts.
12. You compliment me whenever possible.
13. No matter how I push you away, you don't leave me - you tolerate my moody ways.
14. You are always there for me. I just have to call and you'll be there (cheesy reference to a cheesy song).
15. So the real question here is this: Do I actually like the person you are, or do I just like the way you treat me? Am I a bad person for thinking so negatively about someone so nice? Maybe my cowardice and insecurities make me feel this way. If I didn't care what others think of me, I think I wouldn't have this complicated relationship with you. You just make me feel... bad sometimes.
How do I break free from this toxic hold I have given you over my life?
Fact about Sarah #3
Friday, January 24, 2014 || 8:22 PM
I think I'm pretty good at moving on. Not from grudges or hurt feelings, but from people and things. It's like... there's a folder in my head labelled "past" and I can neatly place things I don't really want anymore in there and never open it again. Conflicting thing #1 though: I can never seem to not bear a grudge. Maybe I can only move on from things I feel ambivalent about. Example #1: I don't regret going to Crescent and I very much enjoyed going there, however I will not and do not miss it. It is a thing of my past now. I highly doubt I will ever go back to visit - I'm done. A fond memory I do not wish to relive. I think I like the idea of hitting the "refresh" button on my life.. which is why
I can put memories and feelings in a folder and shove them in the darkest crevices of my mind.
Here is the quote that caused me to acknowledge these feelings within me:
Soon I'll grow up, and I won't even flinch at your name.
- Alanis Morisette
Soon I'll grow up, and I won't even flinch at your name.
Some negative feelings.. and cool tunes
Thursday, January 23, 2014 || 7:21 PM
While I try to keep things light hearted on any other social media I own, I think it is relatively OK to be a little whiny and personal since it's just me here
So let me try to break it down
1) As I quote All Time Low: "This feels like sabotage... why can't you just be happy for me?" This whole deal is torturing my mind and keeping me constantly on the edge - the past two weeks have been a mixture of a) a complete nightmare b) intense excitement + happiness c) incredible frustration.
2) I really hate threats. They are the worst.
3) I have realised I am excellent at deception. Maybe that's why I can see through lies so easily
4) Something that really bums me out about all of this is that I may never have the opportunity to dance again. Especially not ballet :( I love ballet
5) Current songs I have been listening to way too much: Hey Beautiful - The Solids / Apple Shampoo & Dysentary Gary - blink-182 / Melrose Diner - The Wonder Years / She Wants To Be Me - Busted
P.s I really like writing on here. It just feels so good to write again, even if it's just about me. I've been trying to enter more essay competitions but I'm so stumped for material. No story I think of is good enough to pen down, ugh
Some thoughts... and secrets
Tuesday, January 21, 2014 || 8:50 PM
Thing have been happening really fast. A lot has changed and I'm trying to keep things under wraps. Is this deceit? I think not - perhaps it is just the omission of truth. I don't want to shock anyone or jinx anything (lame fact about Sarah #2: I subconsciously believe in jinxes).
I feel free, for once. For once I feel like my life is filled with endless possibilities and I don't like having that hope shot down.
A big question to consider: Is the risk worth taking? I think I've got my life priorities wrong when I consider success to be more important than happiness (or maybe I've got them right. Can you really be happy without success? For someone with my ego and thirst for achievement, maybe not).
Signs of my dumbness #1
Friday, January 10, 2014 || 11:14 PM
Something very, very silly I keep doing is wishing on 11:11
A true sign of desperation - my wish is nearly always the same
hello again
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 || 3:51 PM
So, it's been a year. The main reason I wanted to write this was due to how much fun I had reading my old posts this morning.... So I think I need to do this for me. Also, Tom Fletcher has started a blog. That was unrelated news, but this is a blog... he has a blog... same thing.
Reading my previous posts, I feel like I haven't changed much. Or maybe I have. I've changed in ways that cannot be seen, and in most ways - I've remained the same. I mean, I'm never going to be friendly and bubbly and extroverted. I'm always going to talk/think way too much. I think I'm still as funny... I hope so?? Maybe I used to be funnier. I'm not sure.
I think the most significant thing about me that changed was my music taste. The Smiths (Morissey dude) and The Postal Service are things of my past. I've always liked music, but this was the year where I started getting really into it. More specifically, pop-punk/punk rock music. blink-182 might just be my favourite band - and here to stay. This feels permanent, this part of me. Dammit is my favourite song. I've never really had a favourite song before.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I've had more free time than I possibly ever had in my life. I've been spending a lot of time with Isabelle/ at home. I also spent a month travelling (I'm a lucky duck, I know) (Korea with SuA was amazing) (Japan was wonderful). I've had classes. Pilates yesterday, ballet today. I feel good when my body feels sore. I've been watching way too many television shows/movies and reading not enough books.
This free time is going to be over really soon.. and I'm scared. I forgot how it feels like to overwhelmed.
I get inside my head too often... I should stop writing now. I'm starting to feel weird. Till next time x
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