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Something kind of bad happened
Sunday, February 16, 2014 || 11:48 AM
How can you chastise me for such a thing? Something so incredibly normal, so within the bounds of typical teenage behaviour. Something that probably ranks as #1 when people talk about the things they miss about their teenage days. Something so innocent, so painfully raw.
Why are you so angry? I cannot understand.
When you do that, it makes me feel like a total freak. It makes me feel like you punched a hole in my gut.
Behave. But I am behaving! I always listen to you. Okay, maybe not always – but the important stuff, for sure. You talk to me in a tone that scrapes my insides and makes my stomach peel. You make me sound like I’ve committed sins beyond repair. I feel indignant and angry on my own behalf – for a moment I don’t believe your words.
I am good. I am obedient. I am dutiful. I never do bad things. Ever.
Then they – the words - come like punches, shell shocking me and leaving red marks across my face. Maybe I really do deserve this. I don’t know how you do it – but you always manage to brainwash me into thinking everything is my fault and I completely deserve all the bad things that have ever happened to me in my life. In front of you, I do not feel 17 – you have never made me feel 17. I feel 8 or 9 - small, weak and wearing too-big shoes I simply cannot fill.
I am not good. I am not obedient. Obedient girls do not behave this way. I am not dutiful. I always do bad things. Always.
I just can't finish what I started
Wednesday, February 12, 2014 || 6:33 AM
There's no room left here on my back / it was damaged long ago / and you said that you want to / but i'd still pick my friends over you
On questioning and not getting answers
Saturday, February 8, 2014 || 11:36 AM
How can anyone have so much faith in something? I envy you, for your ability to believe in something so strongly. For not questioning little things and pushing everything aside because several things are not what you believe them to be. For your unwavering belief that this is the way you were meant to turn out. I could never do that - I thought I was an independent thinker, that these uncomfortable statements were holding back my life. I don't think they are right, I thought. I've asked for a sign - show me and make me trust. Tell me that some things are wrong and some other things are okay. You never did - even after me asking You for years before finally giving up. I didn't want to be oppressed anymore. I think you are happier (although maybe more oblivious) than I am. Simple and happy? Or confused and complicated? I don't know if it's a decision I have a choice to make.
Missing my alma mater
Thursday, February 6, 2014 || 11:37 PM
I take everything back - missing Crescent was something I never programmed into my brain but oh god, do I miss Crescent. It's all fun and games until you are thrown into a strange place with strange people and everyone's talking way too fast and oh boy it's loud and they're looking at you but wait no they're not and what are you supposed to say this doesn't come naturally for a girl like you and-
You see? It makes me breathless. Tired, too.
I compare. I compare Crescent and this strange alien place - and it's easy to see who would win. Comfort vs awkward? Happy vs I-wanna-go-home? I've almost never felt discomfort in Crescent, and I am generally an awkward person. Roll on the floor? Change in class? Do cartwheels on the field just cause? Sit down in the middle of the parade square just because I feel like it?
I kept thinking about the genuine happiness I felt at Crescent at times. Maybe the unfamiliar faces are the ones kicking these feelings in the nuts, because I'd love to see some faces I can recognise within a heartbeat. Damn, I wish all of you were here. I wish all of you were here to make me laugh and feel comfortable and make me angry but be forgiven soon after. Make me feel anything that's not wanting to bury myself in a hole of discomfort and stiffness.
CNY recap.. and then some
Monday, February 3, 2014 || 9:50 PM
I don't know why but I kind of like the idea of being alone this upcoming school year. New friends - why? I already have friends. Plenty of friends. I don't need new ones. Maybe I am just being too empowered by myself - by my belief that I don't want any entanglements to drag me down (or keep me there). Maybe it's because I think the best kind of Sarah is an invisible one. Maybe it's because I don't. Nonetheless, it's only temporary anyway - more temporary for me than other people might think.
On a lighter note, Chinese New Year was:
1) Good. "Good" is a vague word, but that is what it was. I've always particularly enjoyed CNY because I celebrate it in Malaysia - and there's something about being "away" that makes everything better.
2) Filled with lots and lots of tangerines (my fav cny snack and my fav snack in general). Also junk food that was so bad for my system it made me feel super bad and will take me months to clear up.
3) Awkward. Nothing more awkward than a) sitting there watching other people discuss you b) pretending you are super happy to see people you're pretty sure you've never met but somehow are related to and c) your family commenting on your every physical aspect. "You've lost so much weight" "You've gained weight" "Your hair is so long" etcetcetc
4) Boring. No matter how you play your cards, chinese new year will always have some element of boredom in it. It's okay though, there are worse things than being bored.
Some stuff I thought of while burning candles during chinese new year
Saturday, February 1, 2014 || 11:56 PM
I really like smoke. Not the act of smoking, but smoke. Smoke from candles burning, from joss sticks burning, from cigarettes burning, from anything burning. I wonder if anyone smokes cigarettes because they like the feeling of smoke wafting out their mouths, their noses - watching smoke as it curls into the air and surrounds them, making them smell of it, that salty smell smoke always smells like. I hope you can understand this - because not many people do - but I think smoke looks like performance art sometimes. The way it wafts into the air, twirling and dancing around the winds. The way it moves reminds me of a dance, or of a paintbrush lightly brushing on a canvas. It looks so graceful (a bit like ballet, actually). Smoke is so wispy, and I've always loved all things wispy - feathers, clouds, the fur of an animal. When I think "wispy" I think "light" and "soft", and the idea that something like smoke can be so light it dances in the air that it disappears - it makes me want to be the same way. I hope when I die, I get cremated, so that I can dance around the winds and twirl and be beautiful and look like art and be light and feathery and free. Then I'll be gone.
Playlist #2
Thursday, January 30, 2014 || 7:26 PM
Good old pop punk (my favourite tunes to listen to ...and brush my teeth to*): Melrose Diner - The Wonder Years / Break Your Little Heart - All Time Low** / Hit Or Miss - New Found Glory / Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low / Dammit - blink-182 / Go - blink-182 / Bedroom Talk - The Starting Line***
Songs to fall asleep to: She Falls Asleep - McFly**** / I Swear This Time I Mean It - Mayday Parade / Feeling This (blink-182 cover) - Odi Acoustic / Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade / For Baltimore (Acoustic) - All Time Low
Others: Hey Beautiful - The Solids / Kaleidoscope Eyes - Panic! at the Disco / Miss Missing You - Fall Out Boy / No Worries - McFly (There's just something about McFly that makes the cheesiest songs cause my heart to flutter and my stomach to flip from pure romanticism. God, I'm so lame)
*I always listen to music while brushing my teeth. Weird habit.
**Great for when I need to feel extra empowered and need that extra bounce in my walk. Also great for pushing me to run that last kilometre at the gym. This song just inspires me to be better, somehow.
***I know it's sorta inappropriate. It's just funny to me... and sorta sweet.
****The best song to fall asleep to I have ever come across. Tom Fletcher, bless your talented songwriting skills.
(if you like music as much as I do)
Thoughts about my dreams
Wednesday, January 29, 2014 || 11:30 PM
Have you ever had dreams which felt so vivid and real they almost seemed... tangible? Like
I can still feel the warmth of a person's touch on my shoulder where they rested their hand in my dream when I awake. When I awake, I can still feel the curve of someone's arm where I leaned against it in my dream. My shoulder has a dent in reality from when someone jabbed me there in my dream. When I'm awake, all my senses are stimulated from the dream. My body tingles from touch and my vocal chords ache from speaking (in the dream). Just me or everyone?
Do you know there's this point in between the time you're fully dreaming and awake, and you kind of realise you're dreaming although you're still in your dream? Sometimes at that stage, I force my eyelids shut and try to force myself to get back in that dream zone - where everything feels so real and your dream life is the only life you have.
P.s I once had the same dream four times. I was so certain it was a premonition, it was a peek into my future, it was going to come true. Spoiler: It didn't. Maybe dreams are just dreams and they mean nothing at all.
Exciting, nerve wrecking news
|| 10:29 PM
Just 7 more months to the most drastic change my life has ever had to offer me so far.
Everything will be different.
Why can't I tell you about it? You are pretty much the most important person in my life, besides my family. Yet the thought of telling you about this makes me want to go full on hermit mode and never tell it to you until I absolutely have to. Perhaps now is not the time.
Food for thought
Monday, January 27, 2014 || 3:28 PM
1. You are obnoxious (at times).
2. You are arrogant.
3. You speak to me in a way that is both condescending and patronising. I don't like it.
4. You "sympathise" with people a lot. I hate sympathy and your pity is not needed anywhere near me.
5. You laugh too loud at things that aren't funny. At all.
6. You ask me questions when you already know the answer. Why do you persist on making me feel bad?
7. You, frankly speaking, are annoying.
8. You do steps 1-7 unconsciously. I guess... it's in your nature. It's who you are.
9. You consciously try to be very nice to me.
10. You tell me I am important (especially to you).
11. You shower me with gifts.
12. You compliment me whenever possible.
13. No matter how I push you away, you don't leave me - you tolerate my moody ways.
14. You are always there for me. I just have to call and you'll be there (cheesy reference to a cheesy song).
15. So the real question here is this: Do I actually like the person you are, or do I just like the way you treat me? Am I a bad person for thinking so negatively about someone so nice? Maybe my cowardice and insecurities make me feel this way. If I didn't care what others think of me, I think I wouldn't have this complicated relationship with you. You just make me feel... bad sometimes.
How do I break free from this toxic hold I have given you over my life?
Fact about Sarah #3
Friday, January 24, 2014 || 8:22 PM
I think I'm pretty good at moving on. Not from grudges or hurt feelings, but from people and things. It's like... there's a folder in my head labelled "past" and I can neatly place things I don't really want anymore in there and never open it again. Conflicting thing #1 though: I can never seem to not bear a grudge. Maybe I can only move on from things I feel ambivalent about. Example #1: I don't regret going to Crescent and I very much enjoyed going there, however I will not and do not miss it. It is a thing of my past now. I highly doubt I will ever go back to visit - I'm done. A fond memory I do not wish to relive. I think I like the idea of hitting the "refresh" button on my life.. which is why
I can put memories and feelings in a folder and shove them in the darkest crevices of my mind.
Here is the quote that caused me to acknowledge these feelings within me:
Soon I'll grow up, and I won't even flinch at your name.
- Alanis Morisette
Soon I'll grow up, and I won't even flinch at your name.
Some negative feelings.. and cool tunes
Thursday, January 23, 2014 || 7:21 PM
While I try to keep things light hearted on any other social media I own, I think it is relatively OK to be a little whiny and personal since it's just me here
So let me try to break it down
1) As I quote All Time Low: "This feels like sabotage... why can't you just be happy for me?" This whole deal is torturing my mind and keeping me constantly on the edge - the past two weeks have been a mixture of a) a complete nightmare b) intense excitement + happiness c) incredible frustration.
2) I really hate threats. They are the worst.
3) I have realised I am excellent at deception. Maybe that's why I can see through lies so easily
4) Something that really bums me out about all of this is that I may never have the opportunity to dance again. Especially not ballet :( I love ballet
5) Current songs I have been listening to way too much: Hey Beautiful - The Solids / Apple Shampoo & Dysentary Gary - blink-182 / Melrose Diner - The Wonder Years / She Wants To Be Me - Busted
P.s I really like writing on here. It just feels so good to write again, even if it's just about me. I've been trying to enter more essay competitions but I'm so stumped for material. No story I think of is good enough to pen down, ugh
Some thoughts... and secrets
Tuesday, January 21, 2014 || 8:50 PM
Thing have been happening really fast. A lot has changed and I'm trying to keep things under wraps. Is this deceit? I think not - perhaps it is just the omission of truth. I don't want to shock anyone or jinx anything (lame fact about Sarah #2: I subconsciously believe in jinxes).
I feel free, for once. For once I feel like my life is filled with endless possibilities and I don't like having that hope shot down.
A big question to consider: Is the risk worth taking? I think I've got my life priorities wrong when I consider success to be more important than happiness (or maybe I've got them right. Can you really be happy without success? For someone with my ego and thirst for achievement, maybe not).
Signs of my dumbness #1
Friday, January 10, 2014 || 11:14 PM
Something very, very silly I keep doing is wishing on 11:11
A true sign of desperation - my wish is nearly always the same
hello again
Tuesday, January 7, 2014 || 3:51 PM
So, it's been a year. The main reason I wanted to write this was due to how much fun I had reading my old posts this morning.... So I think I need to do this for me. Also, Tom Fletcher has started a blog. That was unrelated news, but this is a blog... he has a blog... same thing.
Reading my previous posts, I feel like I haven't changed much. Or maybe I have. I've changed in ways that cannot be seen, and in most ways - I've remained the same. I mean, I'm never going to be friendly and bubbly and extroverted. I'm always going to talk/think way too much. I think I'm still as funny... I hope so?? Maybe I used to be funnier. I'm not sure.
I think the most significant thing about me that changed was my music taste. The Smiths (Morissey dude) and The Postal Service are things of my past. I've always liked music, but this was the year where I started getting really into it. More specifically, pop-punk/punk rock music. blink-182 might just be my favourite band - and here to stay. This feels permanent, this part of me. Dammit is my favourite song. I've never really had a favourite song before.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I've had more free time than I possibly ever had in my life. I've been spending a lot of time with Isabelle/ at home. I also spent a month travelling (I'm a lucky duck, I know) (Korea with SuA was amazing) (Japan was wonderful). I've had classes. Pilates yesterday, ballet today. I feel good when my body feels sore. I've been watching way too many television shows/movies and reading not enough books.
This free time is going to be over really soon.. and I'm scared. I forgot how it feels like to overwhelmed.
I get inside my head too often... I should stop writing now. I'm starting to feel weird. Till next time x
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