When you do that, it makes me feel like a total freak. It makes me feel like you punched a hole in my gut.
Behave. But I am behaving! I always listen to you. Okay, maybe not always – but the important stuff, for sure. You talk to me in a tone that scrapes my insides and makes my stomach peel. You make me sound like I’ve committed sins beyond repair. I feel indignant and angry on my own behalf – for a moment I don’t believe your words.
I am good. I am obedient. I am dutiful. I never do bad things. Ever.
Then they – the words - come like punches, shell shocking me and leaving red marks across my face. Maybe I really do deserve this. I don’t know how you do it – but you always manage to brainwash me into thinking everything is my fault and I completely deserve all the bad things that have ever happened to me in my life. In front of you, I do not feel 17 – you have never made me feel 17. I feel 8 or 9 - small, weak and wearing too-big shoes I simply cannot fill.
I am not good. I am not obedient. Obedient girls do not behave this way. I am not dutiful. I always do bad things. Always.