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2014: a year in review
Saturday, December 27, 2014 || 11:27 AM
I know it isn't exactly completely the end of the year yet, but it is cutting it very close — and I thought it would be an appropriate time to do this. I haven't written something quite so personal in awhile (all my posts, while very raw and ache with a certainty of my own experiences, never seem to feel quite as ... close as when I am writing like this). Perhaps when I write like this, like I am having a conversation, I feel insecure. Almost as if something can be stripped from me and be left out to dry and shrivel — quite unlike my other writings where I feel rather safe encumbered in my own head.
I talk too much. Get to the point —
I've always been able to conclude, at the end of each year, that it was "the best one yet". An idealist or a hopeless optimist? Perhaps both. I had this unbending belief that remained deeply ingrained in my psyche: every year just kept getting better.
I feel like I cannot say that about 2014. This year.... has been one that has thrown me into strange terrain, shown me a self I never knew existed beneath all my layers of skin. A year with both the highest and the lowest points in my life. A year that has brought about the most change — in both experience and myself.
Several days ago this brief thought came floating into my head— "2014 is the worst year yet," and I resign to that thought. I resign to all the stickiness of 2014, the heartbreak, the second-guessing. The unfamiliarity, the shaky palms, the hollowed-out empty vessel. There were times I felt so... lost and desolate. I was always three parts confused, all parts weary. This year has not been.... easy, that is certain. I have been hurt repeatedly, I have let a dull ache reside in me for far too long. I have tasted far too much salt left stained on my cheek. I have let my hands tremble one too many times.
Yet, it is the year I have found myself. Beneath all that.... layer of stickiness, I found strength. That sounds horribly cliché, but it is also horribly true. It feels like I have been shot yet I've survived. I've had wonderful support and friends that have lifted me, time and time again, without complaining of the weight. I'm still somewhat a lost sheep but you know... slowly. Getting there.
So.... 2015. I've done resolutions already (I'm a resolution sort of person, I like the thought of a soul renewed). They are to 1) Be healthy and abundantly so 2) Spread positive vibes and warmth to everyone around me 3) Work hard for everything I want and lastly 4) To guard my heart fiercely and protect myself. Big dreams but nothing great ever stemmed from little ones. Here's to a new year — hopefully better than the last — and here's to life. I hope I execute strength, bravery and compassion. I hope I handle the upcoming year okay, and I hope you do too. X
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