❀
March 2010
April 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
September 2012
November 2012
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
September 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
September 2015
October 2015
December 2015
April 2016
August 2016
I know it's almost the end of February, but I'm hitting the refresh button
Sunday, February 23, 2014 || 11:00 AM
This post is a post I probably should have written a long time ago... but I guess I was distracted. For two months, I mildly lost track of my life - distracted by the new things constantly being thrown in my face. Everything was new! shiny! bright! it made me (temporarily) forget my goals. I became confused... deluded. Thrown off my curve. I've already broken several of my rules. For several months before I started school, I was enamored by the whole idea of being a "protagonist". No - I was obsessed. I was deeply convinced that if I retreated into my own shell - I would win (Win at what, exactly? I don't think I was ever sure - I just liked winning). I've already broken that bit - I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I always thought I was an introvert - but I find myself initiating small talk these days (I've realised that throughout my life, I've never had a problem finding a reasonably large group of friends. Is this normal for someone who is so uncomfortable around strangers? Idek).
I think it is time to lay down some new ground rules. The fact that I can just "rebrand" myself just drives me crazy - I love that. It's not often I am given these chances, so maybe I am panicking just a bit too much and I'm constantly terrified that I'm screwing it up and doing it all wrong. In this new environment, I feel like myself - only minimised. Myself - only smaller. The things that people used to identify me with they no longer do here. The "English/Literature" girl - well, I don't even take Lit anymore. That part of my life is gone forever, when I used to identify so strongly with it. That's
great. I need a fresh start - a clean sheet of paper. I'm huge sucker for all things "clean", by clean I mean minimalist and empty and strong. Ever since I was little, I'd like to imagine myself with a wire sponge (the kind you use to really
scrub burnt areas of pots and pans) and scrub my brain until it was squeaky clean. I never liked clutter. It made my brain hurt. (I think this stemmed from my love of perfection.)
so
2014
I think it's time to realise what I really,
really want - and push to get those things. One day I could become my own self-fulfilled prophecy. No more burdens or being dragged around by chains; strapped down by heavy weights. No unnecessary attachments to
people/things/places ... here's to my life that's ahead of me (you're not in it). I already have my resolutions all written down (since 31st Dec 2013 actually) and if I follow them staunchly everything should be A-OK (I already broke one of them but you can be damn sure it's not happening again). I think I'm not very good with balance - I like pushing things all the way to the extremes. But, hey - if it helps me achieve my goals, why not? I think maybe I overestimate myself.
This is strength training, I insist. Is it though?
On an entirely different note: I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT LEAVING I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I WENT TO JC I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT AAAAARGH (stay strong Sarah remember your goals remember your future)
Newer Posts
Older Posts